A Good Kick in the Butt

God's reminders don't always feel like a gentle tap on the shoulder or like a lightbulb flashing in your brain. For me, lately they've felt like a slap in the face or a kick in the butt. But in a good way. In a good way you ask? God knows you, he knows me, in fact he's known us all before the very creation of this Earth. God knows that Shannon Letro is oblivious, stubborn, and very hard headed. He knows that a gentle tap on the shoulder would either go right over my head or it would be ignored if it was not something I wanted to hear. He knows that he has to shake me hard, give me a loving slap and say "Shannon, you listen to me and you listen good." At the beginning of this year I've been feeling God moving me more and more, guiding me, sometimes dragging me into the path he wants me on. Slowly, showing me the plans he has for me. So much so that I've just felt pure excitement and joy about the unknown of his plans. Which is completely not me. Two things you should know about me, I HATE not being in control and I hate surprises (okay, that's not entirely true . I love being 100% surprised. I hate when I know there is a surprise and I have to wait to find out what it is) oh right, that's called being impatient. So, three things you should know about me I'm incredibly impatient. I truly believe God gave me these traits just for fun. Like, he's up in Heaven saying haha I'm going to make her impatient and then I'm going to make her wait for EVERYTHING! For a boyfriend, a husband (I had to wait 5 long years for that wedding ring), for a baby ( waiting 9 long months was the WORST wait of my life. I was so out of control. You better believe he came a week late, 24 hours plus of labor and then had to be cut and pulled out... apparently stubbornness is a trait my son inherited from the very beginning).. and last but not least for his plan for me.
I've watch girls in the early twenties who know exactly what they want to do and God wants them to do and for me that has not been an easy journey and i'm still not 100% sure what he's calling me to do. So without a goal, without a plan, I stumbled and I stopped trying. I walked away from God. I blamed Him for everything bad thing that happened in my life, I figured he didn't care about me because I never felt him speak to me, I never felt like he was listening when I prayed, to the point I started to question His existence. Every Time a stumbling block came I let Satan take hold. Fear and anxiety took hold of my daily life. I was always in a lot of pain from a disease that a lot of doctors don't even believe exist. I had severe panic attacks that put me in the hospital. And instead of taking it all to God I just masked it all with very bad habits that then added deep regrets to my pain and suffering. But then I met a man who was right there in the same part of his journey that I was. It wasn't easy and we still struggled for a few more years but we were both so ready to be done with all the hurt, all the excuses, all the pain and we both realized that the only thing that was going to fix us, the only thing that was going to make us happy, was not each other, it was God. so, we tried church in Florida but it just didn't seem right and a job lead us to Indiana. Then we still, both stubborn as could be, took another year of random sundays and random churches until we walked into White Rock. It just felt like home. Not only has it been our home for almost three years but we have met the most amazing people that have become our family. They have pushed us to further our walks with God.

So here I am, realizing that God was ALWAYS there. Always preparing me, always with a plan for me. Then at the beginning of this year, He said you're almost there, you're almost ready. That's when the excitement came. I was doing so much to further my walk with him. Then it just sort of stopped. I wasn't prepared, that when you are becoming fuller and fuller in God, the devil is going to try really hard to knock you down. I had never had this strong of a relationship with God, so I just didn't know. I was clueless. I became feeling angry towards a lot of things, especially my husband, I began feeling overwhelmed. I stopped walking in the footsteps God laid in front of me and I became distracted and busy. That was right before we started the Armor of God series in our women's group and I didn't want to go. In fact the very Wednesday it was to start I got into a HUGE fight with my husband. Thankfully, those amazing friends, those family members that God has brought in my life convinced me to go. And the very first night BOOM! God slapped me in the face. The line that she said, and I know I won't quote it exactly but she said "It is not your spouse, it is not your children that you are fighting with it's the devil." And she went onto say that if we are not fully protected by the armor of God then we have no chance of fighting the devil and defeating him. What she said hit me so hard. Now, don't get me wrong I still struggled, and I still fought with my husband. But that realization was just step one. It was me realizing that the more I am aligning myself with God and the plans he has for me the harder the devil is going to try and knock me down, pulling me by the hand off that path. So, I was more aware. I tried to reign in anger, my emotions and tried to step back and realize every time it was the devil. I started praying for my husband, I started reading my First 5 app devotion everyday. Yet, I still struggled. Valentine's Day evening after my husband went to bed I came down stairs because I was trying to pull myself out of the black hole the devil was helping me dig and I just cried and prayed. I still try sometimes to pull myself out of things by myself and it never works, because I'm not putting the armor fulling on. You can't be protected fighting an enemy with just a helmet and no shield, sword, or breastplate. One piece of armor does not work without the other. You also can't defeat a powerful enemy on your own. The biggest piece of armor I've been forgetting is God's word. Nothing can be done, no battle can be fought, I can not do things that God wants to do without reading His word. So when I try and try over and over to live my life the way God wants it but without reading His word, am I really living my life the way He wants?

Step two of my realization came the weekend of Women's retreat. All of the speakers talks hit me in a different way but when Jaki spoke about the barriers that keep you from becoming full in God, again BOOM! Kick in the butt from God. She talked about busyness and what we become slaves to in our lives. You know I have had Facebook for about 12 years and have probably only gone a handful of times without checking it daily. Did you know that I watch hours of television, when Malachi is sleeping, or in the background when I'm doing projects instead I could be reading my bible or listening to it! And I never realized that even though I may be filling my life with activities that are good, that if it takes away from being in His word, or giving 100% to the activities that he's called me to do than business whether it's good busy or bad busy is the enemy. So, I came home with a plan. It's not going to all happen immediately but I've already started on some. I deactivated my Facebook. And deleted the apps that I watch tv on. I've spent more time with my kid and less time with us both sitting in front of the tv. But there's still those struggles, I didn't pray for my husband today and we've already had a little tiff. I got off the phone with my husband.. after sending him a not so nice text and immediately regretting it, I prayed for him and us. Then within 5 minutes we were both apologizing. I haven't spent any time cleaning my house and getting my life organized because well it's a mess and I'm overwhelmed and I'm not sure where to start and my one year old doesn't give much time for concentrating on anything but him. In fact, I wrote most of this while he was napping. After reading my first 5 app and reading the Bible first of course. So, in conclusion I just wanted to share my current battle and a little history. I wanted you to know that it's ok to stumble, and stumble some more. God will give you his hand and pick you right back up as long as you ask. But you have to put in the effort to. You have to figure out what your barriers are and how to break through them. Well my kid is screaming and this is much longer than I ever intended on it to be.

I will keep you updated with how I progress with my journey.

Love and God bless, Shannon Letro